12 Weeks 5 Days - Almost 13 Weeks

Today has been mostly good. I spent time with my sister and her family this morning and then tonight I had dinner with a great friend from high school and her wonderful family. I love seeing them when  I come to visit. We have such a good visit, there are just some people that no matter how much time goes by you still feel so close.

Today was my oldest son's 11th birthday. Seriously how did this happen he is such a big boy now. It seems like he should be a little squirt not this tall, gangly kid about to go into middle school. I love my kids so much, they make my life complete.

The nausea and vomiting is well under control at this point. Scary to say, but in a few more weeks if it stays this way I may actually call this pregnancy my best on ever. Dizzy spells aside, the lack of NVP is actually so nice that I can live with the dizzy I think.

I forgot to take my hormone last night. I felt soooo good today. :( I look forward to the day I do not have to take them anymore, but I guess I will keep taking them till I see the doctor just to be safe. Every time I think I will stop anyway I remember the heartbreak of the six miscarriages and just go ahead and take them. I am so tired on them it makes me less motivated to take them cause all I really want to do is sleep. I want to feel good and be out doing things.

Well I suppose that is about it, maybe this week I can get the last pregnancy written up and put it on the blog.

Thanks for reading...for those who do!

Happy 12 Weeks - Next Week is 2nd Trimester

Happy 12 Weeks!

Last night was not so happy. I had some light spotting that has me worried for a bit. Well it wasn't very light and it wasn't really spotting. It lasted about 15 minutes and then stopped. Surprisingly I did not freak, just sat and waited it out. I really didn't have anyone to ask for help since everyone was in bed including the kids so I just waited to see what happened. Once it stopped I just went to bed and prayed that it wouldn't start again anytime soon.

Oh well, it happened and now it is over. Today is a new week for the pregnancy and it helps to be crossing them off one by one. I will be going out later to get some shopping done, but first I need to finish a few things here. I hope I can get everything finished and out of my hair I really want to have a few days free to play and I want to feel good enough to go and do things with my babies.

Last night we made a slip n slide for the kids. They had the best time. Seriously, why buy one of those junky ones in the store, get a big plastic sheet, the kind you use to cover the floors when you paint. Add in a sprinkler and some baby soap and you have the biggest slip 'n slide. The boys thought it was too much fun.

Well better get to work so I can finish.

Monday Stinks...

Today was one of those days you wish you could just stay in bed and never get up. The nausea was a nightmare and I ended up taking my Zofran with me where ever I went. Have I ever mentioned that I really, really, really dislike being nauseated.

Today has also been a nightmare for the up and down moods. I hate not being patient. My oldest son has started moving into that "I know it all Mom" phase and it drives me BANANAS! I have been able to diffuse it pretty quickly but today not so much. I lost my temper and really felt bad after. Later we had a long talk about being respectful and the best way to talk to your Mom, but it was still after losing my temper. Well there you have it world, I am human! Send it to the papers!

Later we went to dinner and it was another test of my ability to function without losing my temper. Why is it when you are struggling with this crazy up and down temper the people around you act ridiculous? There always seems to be some little comment where I want scream, luckily there was plenty to distract so I was able to avoid any ugliness.

I am looking forward to the next two days. I am creeping up on 12 weeks and then the next week starts the second trimester. I am hoping everyday that it will be much better than the first even though it hasn't been too horrible. Anyway, that is about the extend of my Monday.

Two more days till 12 weeks.

It's so Sparkly! - 11 weeks 1 Day

Today was a CRAZY day. I felt so tired and dizzy for most of the day. I have now learned that anything sweet is pretty much going to make me sick to my tummy. Then there was a while today where I saw the sparkles, you know the flashing lights you see sometimes during pregnancy. I am not sure if it was blood pressure, dizzy, or medicine that was creating that fun moment but there they were the sparkles.

I am having vivid vivid dreams. My dreams lately have been a mix of childhood and adulthood. Crazy mix and then throw in that I am always still pregnant in my dreams and they become even more weird. I wake up sometimes wondering where I am and have to take a minute. Pregnancy dreams are always so real and so weird.

I am having some other personal struggles this week. Prayers are much appreciated.

The nausea has been not so bad today. I am stunned that thus far I have not been in the hospital once for IV fluids. I am so happy about that I cannot even describe the happiness. At this point in most other pregnancies I have been in the hospital more than once, so not having been in once to this point makes me so excited. Maybe this will be the one that is easy. I hate saying that cause it makes me wonder if saying that out loud will make the easy disappear, silly I know but still feels that way. I am holding my breath that I won't see the inside of the hospital until this little once makes his/her appearance.

 Well back to work on the school stuff, need to finish all assignments this week and then I am taking two weeks off!

Happy 11 Weeks! Almost to the 2nd Trimester!

Today was a tough one, had a good bit of nausea and exhaustion today. I hate feeling this tired. I just went to the store and the bakery and by the time I got home I had to have a nap. This really stinks!

I am worrying that maybe the medicine is starting to lose effectiveness again. Maybe it is just being tired, I know that this can have a huge effect on how you feel and the amount of nausea you have with HG. I should probably get more rest and do a bit less, after this week I will be finished with my school work and will have TWO weeks to just relax, that should get me into the second trimester. Maybe the second will be better than the first.

Try really hard not to get tired out anymore and need to continue to remember to eat small snacks through the day. I know this helps and need to just keep plowing through with the plan. I want to take the boys to see some things while we are here so I am hoping that in the next two weeks we can get some of those things done.

Just when you think...maybe I should stop thinking!

I was feeling mostly good the last few days and then all of a sudden today I woke up feeling horrid. Just crazy dizzy today. My head is foggy from the messed up equilibrium. I feel like I should go back to bed, but then who would run the asylum! :p I am loading up on water, hoping this is what has caused the problem, maybe I just did not drink enough water yesterday. I spent the majority of my day yesterday at Chuckie Cheese and I know I wasn't drinking during that period so perhaps I am slightly dehydrated.

Other than that I have spent the morning laughing at my youngest. He really is the silliest child. He is just learning to form his words into sentences and phrases and it is funny to hear him combine things and then the ones he combines the wrong way are the best. Today he is running around saying "Moley Cow." This makes me laugh so hard. He is just so funny. I know only a Mommy could find this amusing enough to post online, but that is what makes me his Mommy!

Busy Few Days - 10 Weeks 5 Days

The last few days have been crazy with all the work at school coming to a close. Classes end in two weeks and I will find out if I can proceed to the final class for doing the research for my thesis and if I will graduate. Nerves are deeply affected by the thought that it all comes down to these last classes.

The nausea has been tough. I have had a few break through moments but nothing too overwhelming like the last time when it took me out of commission. I have found that I am becoming OCD about taking my Zofran. I count to the minute when the next dose is and MAKE SURE it is taken on time. Even if I have to stay up a little later to get a dose I make sure it gets taken. I feel panic sometimes thinking I might miss a dose. Seriously how crazy is this, but considering the nightmare of the nausea and vomiting I go through I suppose this on some level makes sense.

The last few days I have been having killer reflux. Taking Pepcid has helped, usually it flares up at night right before bed. I try to eat a little something that reduces acid and wait to go to bed till the burning wanes a bit. I keep saying this pregnancy is so backwards. Normally I have reflux, swelling in my legs, and aches in my hips and legs at the end of my pregnancy. This time it is all happening up front, maybe this means the end will be symptom free, would that be too much to ask?

On a lighter note, I braved Chuckie Cheese with all THREE of my boys. I know insane, and it was crazy. I usually do not do things like this without my hubby and especially pregnant, but my sister called and wanted to go. The older boys were fine, they did their thing, the little one was the nut. He was all over the place, and even just keeping my eyes on him I would lose him in the maze of games. Lesson learned, somethings require Daddy to tag along to make sure that I don't leave wishing for death lol, okay not that extreme. I came home and put my boys to bed and I took a nap. I slept like I was in a coma.

Well off to finish my class work for this term. Hoping that all things end well and I keep my 4.0 to the end and graduate with this GPA.

Two days away from the 12 week mark. Look out world we are closing in on baby number 4. :)

So Tired - 10 Weeks 1 Day

Today has been one of those pregnancy crazy days. I am really tired and had a bad nausea day, but overall it was better than it was last week. My Dad really wants me to stay here a bit longer and I am thinking if I do stay, I just don't know how much more energy I can throw out there these coming days. I am not making my decision till the end of the week though, I want to make sure that the last few days of feeling good have not been some fluke. Time will tell and probably tomorrow and the next day will be the best predictor of what will be in the next couple weeks.

Other than tired and a bit of bad nausea there was not a great deal of negative pregnancy stuff.

On another note I am considering doing some "Mommy Water Time" when I get back. The Life Style Center at my husband's work has classes for expecting mothers. I have heard that pool time can help with the pregnancy aches and pains as the pregnancy progresses and the thought of some time to exercise and be around other pregnant Mommies sounds like fun. In addition I do not want to be 1000 lbs by the time my baby is born so a little exercise certainly won't hurt. The only thing is that the exercise is at 5 a.m. so freaking early, my dude and I would have to be up and out of the house quickly so that we could get to the exercise classes. I don't know I have a couple more weeks before I have to commit but I would like to do it I think and I know that it would be beneficial to both me and baby to have some exercise other than walking in the heat since I basically live on the surface of the sun, or so it feels like with the extreme heat in our area.

A little better tonight - 10 weeks tomorrow!

Today was a it better. I took my time getting things together and making sure I was on top of my medicine and trying to eat little snacks that have higher protein. I heard that this can help so I tried that today. I am going to talk about foods so if that triggers skip this post.

I have been craving things like cheese, potatos, and ranch. :) Today I ate a few cheese cubes as a snack. I have heard that just a few cubes of cheese or something salty like chips can adjust your stomach and for today it helped. I also suggested for dinner to go to a place that only served one "type" of food. We went to eat at an Italian place and it was fine. The smell issue was minimal and seemd to be pretty in control. I even felt good enough to go and find some materinty clothes after dinner.

So maybe if I focus and try to keep on top of things that will keep my nausea in check. Here is hoping!

To take or not to take...9 weeks 5 days

Sitting here trying to decide whether or not to take the rest of my medicines tonight. I am so nauseated and I am having the WORST freaking stomach pains. The idea of forcing anything down my throat at this time is just not a happy thought. I also need to eat a little something so that one of my medicines the hormone does not make me sick (note the irony, don't want to eat, must eat to take pill that can make me sick). I am tired and want to go to bed it is almost 1 am here in the East and I really need to decide soon. Maybe a quick shower and then a snack and then the meds. I tried drinking a bit of water (that will come back to haunt in the middle of the night), but it hasn't made that blah feeling in the back of my throat disappear. Maybe a peppermint tea...I just do not KNOW tonight. Blah

Ready to Disconnect...

I rarely talk about this side of my personality because it just is not my favorite. Like I said in a previous post, I despise drama, and for some reason it seems to be following me lately. I have a tendency when this happens to just totally disconnect from everyone but the kids. Sometimes it just makes it easier to not deal with all the mess and let everyone get settled before venturing back in to the fray again. At this point that would be next to impossible considering I am visiting my parents and I can exactly turn off the phone or Internet etc...

Last night and today were a total nightmare. The nausea./vomiting is getting worse and I was totally out of my Zofran. My husband had overnighted it yesterday but I was out and so I was totally riding those waves one after another all day today. I just wanted to lay down and not think. Lights, the computer, noises, whatever, it all made me ill and so I was trying to just lay down and not think about the nausea. I curled up on the couch with a blanket and pillow and a cool cloth for my head and neck. My kids were back in the room watching their movies and things were pretty quiet until my Dad got back from his morning chores.

He walked in and the first words were..."Do you need to go to a doctor?" Of course my reply was no, there really isn't anything a doctor here can do. I really need to be at home with my doctors and be able to have my medication adjusted as needed. Then there was my mother, "you know if you eat some crackers, or if you eat more vegetables, or if you do xyz...you will feel better." I wish that those things worked, oh how I really really wish that these things would work, and yet they just do not work. Once I got to where I could sit up and make adequate decisions I called my husband and said that we should change the return day to the 29th of July rather than the 19th of August. Just saying it made me want to cry and yet I know it is the best thing to do for both me and the kids. I feel like if I wait much longer the drive will become pure hell and we will end up making more stops to accommodate the hyperemesis. Then there is the whole what if I get so dehydrated that I need intervention. Too many unknowns and variables that are outside my control.

Then this time there has been more drama. Normally I can let it fly right off my back and just ignore the whole situation. This time it has really worn me down. It seems like every time I turn around someone disagrees with something in my parenting. Sometimes it feels like no matter how old I am or how many degrees I have I will always be an idiot to certain people. Total frustration with that attitude. Then there is the whole issue where I get questioned about the extent of my sickness and why can't I just brush it off and go and do whatever it is other people want me to go and do. So then I blame myself for not being able to do the things that others want and feel like maybe this is my fault. Maybe it is all in my head or maybe I am just exaggerating. Maybe if I just go out and do all the things other pregnant people do I would feel better. Maybe it is just in my head, maybe the reality is that I am just sensitive to nausea and vomiting from my previous experiences and so I am over reacting. Maybe...

I will have to tell my parents that I am leaving earlier. I do not really want to tell them they are going to be so disappointed. I am disappointed, the kids are going to be so sad. Once again I am the ruiner of plans and fun.

Just one of those really down days.

The honeymoon is over... 9 wks 1 day

Sadly, the wonderful honeymoon stage of the pregnancy has ended. The nausea and vomiting is now breaking through the medicine. I guess I will be going home early :(. Nothing good to say so I will say nothing else. Sad.

My new best friend! I drink this at night and it helps with the reflux.

Here comes the train, wish I could get off the tracks... 9 Weeks

Well it finally really hit the nausea and vomiting. So far it only seems to be at certain times a day but it is finally hitting and it is nasty. I would really love to say I am wrong but after three other pregnancies I have a feeling this is the slide. So far it is really bad in the evenings. I had the worst of it last night. I had to wait an hour and a half to go to bed. Every time I tried to lay down it was immediate nausea.

I was beginning to hope I would have a normal pregnancy.

So today I am switching diets to the easier to handle mostly liquid and small meals. I am trying to incorporate as many high energy foods as possible to help with the tiredness. We will see if this helps. I think the hubby has decided it is time for me to return home sooner rather than later. He really worries and wants me to come home so that I am close to the doctor.

I am really taking it very easy here, I do cook dinners at night. This is a challenge considering smells tend to set me off but it is not to terrible. I don't think I will be able to continue my visit much longer which makes me very sad. I will not get to come back home until after the baby comes and that will be March or later.

Hubby has also decided I should not attempt homeschooling this year. I really want to do the homeschool option with the way schools are turning into the clearing house for budgeting in government. Our district is extending school days and then making class sizes larger to consolidate the payroll. As a teacher this rubs me all kinds of wrong. This goes against all the research and evidence of how classrooms should look for optimal student performance.

Maybe if I get home and spend less time getting sick he will still let me do homeschooling. I highly doubt it because he has that determined edge in his voice but we will see if I can convince him to change his mind.

Where am I today...

• 9 weeks and 0 days pregnant
• I am having much more frequent nausea and vomiting and hating it
• My worst nausea seems to occur at night time right before bed
• I have many decisions to make to try and get ready for the next few months

On a side note has anyone tried these...I am thinking of trying them. Any of you silent readers know much about them or have tried them please let me know.

Where is Dr. Phil when you need him?

Yesterday pretty much sucked...and I hate using that word but it is the best way to describe the mess.

First there was the not so enjoyable phone call with my doctor. I have been having insane dizzy spells and some crazy leg swelling that is pretty abnormal for only being 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I was hoping they would say it was the progesterone supplement and tell me I could stop taking it. Due to the "postal" feeling I have while I am on this crazy stuff I would love to stop the medicine. Nope not at all what they told me when they called. I will spare you the details of the conversation but I was told the following things: come home if possible, either way you must have 75% of your time OFF your feet, more rest, no direct sunlight, no heat, do not get over heated, really watch what you eat (um not a problem), no stress. All this under the overarching impression that if I do not follow this directive I will be in a serious physical condition.

So what happens as soon as you hear the words "no stress"? Well if you are me then life dumps a huge heaping pile of stress right on your plate and forces you to eat it. I hate drama, I hate drama with certain people in my life more than others. I just want to have a nice visit with my parents without drama. Why is this never a possibility? I just want to have a nice visit where I don't feel like tearing my hair out! Sometimes with certain people I feel like I am a living episode of Dr. Phil, and I hate that the relationships are ever this complicated.

Well off to try and put out the drama fires...crossing my fingers, legs, and toes that it does not turn into something that makes the visit more difficult.

Lock, Stock and Barrel

Took my husband to the airport so he could fly back to Texas and go back to work tomorrow. The older kids cried last night and my youngest cried when we dropped him off this morning. I was feeling pretty sad myself and missing him but couldn't let it out since I had an upset baby already. I had five hours in the car round trip which by the time I got back to the house I was so ready to stretch out and ease the cramps in my hips and legs.

Pull up and have that moment of dread, my parents have gone to church and the darn door was locked. I spent five hours outside with the children. NIGHTMARE! So darn hot and so darn humid today, plus we both had on our pajamas so we could not really go anywhere else and just hang out or walk around. Total mood killer as if it wasn't bad enough.

So about 1 1/2 hours into the five I decided we would go for a drive. My hometown is one of the towns that was hit by the tornado in April this year. I had not been to the business district or out to where my friends "live/lived" and had avoided it because I knew it would be profoundly emotional. So of course the first place I turn (what an idiot I was already semi-depressed) I drive right out to have a look since we had to take a drive. You don't really notice much until you get right into the middle of it and then there it is total wipe out of homes and businesses. I drove down the street I went down every day going to middle and high school and all those houses were totally gone. I hit the schools next. My heart was burning by then, there it was all the lovely trees that had been there for generations were gone, the schools were torn to bits and since they are trying to open up in September the parking lots were full of construction equipment and supplies. Really if you didn't know it would mostly look like the area was under development with some older homes getting repairs. There were places where the grass had been ripped out, seriously crazy to think of how powerful that EF-4 was that tore through here, and my hurt hurt all over again.

Drove until I was almost out of gas and then stopped to fill up and drove back to the house to wait and wait and wait. They finally pulled up and I was so happy to get back inside. Did I mention that I didn't take any of my meds this morning because we left so early. Yep, you guessed it, totally sick outside. My feet were so swollen today too. I suppose I will have to call the OB's office tomorrow and find out what they think will be going on with my legs and feet swelling and cramping and my dizzy spells. I am hoping maybe it is just the hormones and not any other issues but I can pretty much predict what they will say.

So that was my day, how was yours? Still 8 weeks and 4 days and counting down to the big arrival. I will try to post my second pregnancy story soon. Hopefully this week.

Tornado relief is still ongoing, if you wish to contribute to my amazing hometown here is an organization working to help those who lost homes and businesses.

http://newpassionchurch.com/relief/

Sigh and Cry Day... 8 weeks and 4 days

Today has just been one of those nightmare kind of days.

The "progesterone" supplement is really starting to wear on me and the side effects are crazy. Insane mood swings, cramping in my legs, bathroom issues. Pregnancy hormones are insane on their own adding a supplement is like asking me to go postal. I am trying to keep my emotions in check and under control but find myself snapping more often and I hate myself later. I have snapped at my children and my husband and I despise that kind of behavior for myself and it is one thing I try never to do and always to try and keep my answers more or less rational.

I had my first "sick" day today. Just nauseated and ill most of the day. I really really hate being sick. Then there is the fact that we are staying with my parents. My mother does not like or allow for sickness in any form. When I told her I didn't want to go and sit in a restaurant tonight she was very unhappy. She was unhappy once again when I said that I did not want to go on a walk. I have walked the last two days as we visited two touristy spots and that on top of vomiting makes for an unpleasant combination. She gave me the standard response you get from most people, "if you get up and move around you will feel better." Seriously, no I won't the more exhausted I am the worse I feel. Exhaustion and nausea do NOT do either any favors.

My husband is leaving us here for five weeks and going back to work. I hate to think of him leaving, he is my support and understands when I am not feeling well. He also gives me a childcare break when he is home from work. The kids are upset he is leaving and are crying cause they will miss him, which is stressful and sad trying to get them to settle down and just enjoy our visit.

Now I am trying to decide if I should shorten my trip by at least three weeks and head home. I do not want to be here and away from my physician should something happen. I already feel out of control on my hormones and the down time I have thanks to my husband gives me an opportunity to regroup. I will be the 24/7 parent for the next five weeks. I am also working to finish my thesis proposal and my last class for my Masters degree. Will I ever be able to do this while being the 24/7 parent and dealing with the nausea and vomiting?

I have no idea, I am sure everything will be fine. Not really sure but kind of sure.

Where am I today...

I am 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant...
I am on hormones that are making me into a crazy person...
I had my first sick day and hated it...
My husband is going back home for five weeks and I am worried about caring for the kids...
I am working on my thesis and worried I will not be able to everything in on time...
I am exhausted all the time!

Over the River and Through the Woods

We are visiting my parents for a while. I try to do this periodically for personal reasons but we are happy to be here to spend time with them. We did literally go over the river (well two Mississippi and Tennessee) and through numerous woods to get to their house so I thought the title fit.

Things are going pretty well. I got a call shortly before we left to head out this way on Thursday of last week that there was a problem with my blood tests. My progesterone levels were a little low and so they have put me on hormones to make up the difference. I was worried for the first few days, of course I went right to "Dr. Google" and saw all the nightmares. I have miscarried so many times so when you see that word you go right to that place, that lonely, miserable, aching hole that comes when you lose a pregnancy. I was also having some cramping in my lower abdomen that day and so that coupled with the blood tests made me crazy immediately. I started bawling. My husband was out in the garage packing the car, and I just stood in the garage and let him tell me all the reasons why everything was going to be okay with this pregnancy.

I got the prescription the next day and immediately took one, I looked at the whole bottle but decided that would be unwise :p and just stuck to recommended dosage. We got on the road right after that and headed out this way. The doctor also put me on a number of supplements and other medicines to try and stave off my HG so I took that as a good sign. I wondered if I would be sick on the road and I wasn't which was a blessing. We drove for 18 hours so car sickness would have been unendurable.

The days since we got here have been so busy. I find it necessary to take a nap in the afternoon and then hit the bed as soon as I get the boys down for the night. Yesterday I went and got a pedicure, I have not done this since I stopped working. I always feel like if I am lucky enough to stay home with the kids I shouldn't spend a lot of money on things that are not necessity. Holy COW did it feel so good to have some pampering. I have been having killer leg cramps in my calves and thighs. I got the expensive one and she did the sea salt scrub, cooling rub, then a hot stone massage, and a hot wrap on my lower legs and feet. "Thank you Jesus," were the words that drifted through my head. I didn't have a single calf cramp last night and felt so happy to go to sleep without a darn charlie horse. Not to mention my toes are so pretty!

I have also realized that my recent stomach surgery is going to be an issue. The incision in my belly button has been burning again. Probably due to the stretching. I am going to get some kind of cream today to put on my stomach to try and keep the burning away.

Speaking of today, I think I am literally insane. What is the most insane thing someone who gets motion sickness on a normal day, is currently pregnant and prone to HG can do to cause untold misery? That's right you guessed it we are going on a river boat ride. We are trying to plan fun things for the kids since we were unable to do Disney like we planned, today's fun thing is riverboat ride. I think I have lost my freaking mind! I am taking my meds before I go, and taking some extra on the boat with me. Praying that my good luck will hold and I will not be sick. I am also taking Dramamine for the kids, apparently the oldest gets motion sickness. Good thing he is a boy or he might be stuck with other things from his mother too.

Well I suppose that is it, where am I today...

• I am now 8 weeks pregnant...32 more to go...
• I am experiencing some leg and lower abdomen pain...
• I am taking progesterone for the foreseeable future ....
• I have not had any nausea/vomiting and feel so blessed...
• I am visiting my parents for 6 weeks and hubby leaves on Sunday, hoping I survive without a break...
• Still writing my Masters thesis...
• Happy to be healthy so far!

Have a great day friends!

1st Doctor Day for Me and Peanut

Today was the first OB appointment. They got me in earlier than the standard 8 weeks for several reasons. First they got me in because I have had so many miscarriages (six in total). So this is my tenth total pregnancy. Most of the miscarriages occurred during the period we were trying to get pregnant with Aidan. We finally got pregnant and stayed pregnant when we stopped pregnant, talk about irony. The other reason they wanted to see me was that I was going to see my parents for a while and they wanted to get care established. The last reason was for the HG, they need to establish care and get a plan going so they can call in medicine.

The appointment went so well! I am so happy with the doctor, staff, and their care. They were open to everything I had to say. They listened and genuinely cared that I had so many problems from other pregnancies. I am so glad I went in today. I struggled last night with the fear and anxiety. I worried for hours before I fell asleep that this would be like last time and that the doctor would not want to dig in with me and work on a real plan. Thankfully, she really that was not the case and the visit was amazing. They are worried about me going out of town (sharp change from previous doctor, he couldn't care less), they would prefer me close if something goes wrong. They told me to call if there is any issue at any time and of course to go straight to the ER if there is something that requires immediate intervention (I am  praying this does not happen).

They called in my nausea meds, just Zofran for now but will step up as necessary. Told me to go ahead with the over the counter remedies and maintain whatever necessary to make sure that peanut and I are healthy. Now we are about to take naps, all the boys are down since we got up so early. After that we are doing the packing and getting things in the car so we can leave EARLY in the morning. The boys are so excited, they have been packing "travel bags" full of more toys than necessary but we will solve that later.

Where am I today:

• First amazing OB appointment with my new OB...so excited...
• All my meds are ready to go if and when they become necessary...
• After being sick yesterday, no more physical sickness today but nasty nasty reflux, probably more related to the gastroparesis than HG at least I hope. I have kept it in control with gum and extra water...
• Getting ready to visit my parents and cannot wait to see them, have not been home since November...
• Less anxiety and worry than before and feeling more confident about my care.

Not My Best Day...7 Weeks 0 Days :)

Today was a tough one, and sadly I fear that I am going to see more of them. I really hope that I don't!

This morning I woke up to find that things were left a mess last night and by mess I mean a stinky smelly nightmare. The kitchen needed cleaning and I debated, clean it or have to deal with all the residual smells from the undone dishes for the day. I decided it would just be best to clean it, other wise I knew I wouldn't even go in there for food the rest of the day. So clean it was the final decision. I immediately realized this was not a good decision, get up close with that drama was my undoing. I won't give the dirty details but I will say only one side of the sink contained dishes, no other explanation necessary. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the sink, took the trash to the door, cleaned the floor by the door after dealing with the trash :( and then went to sit on the couch and try to regain some sanity.

I had a panic attack once I got to the living room and just curled up on the couch. I don't know if it was the residual memories from other pregnancies, getting sick this morning, frustration with the events...but it set off a crazy reaction in my brain. This last a good twenty minutes or so, luckily the kids slept late so I could get back in control before they saw me. I hate getting sick, I hate getting sick when I am pregnant, and I fear it like people fear heights or snakes.

The rest of the day was spent doing school work and reflecting trying to get a handle on my issues. My first OB appointment is tomorrow. I have a LONG list of things to talk to them about and get started with so that treatment is more proactive rather than reactive. I refuse to get into this pregnancy and be on the phone begging for help, I want a plan in place before I hit that kind of desperation.

The other thing I was thinking about today was the amount of time I had planned to spend in Georgia. My fear is that things will ramp up while I am there and I will have little or no recourse being away from my doctor and the antepartum unit of our hospital. I really want to stay for a good long visit. My parents really want us to stay for a long visit, I just do not know if I will be able to physically stay that long. There are so many "what ifs" that it seems like it is not wise to stay for too long and tempt the HG fate. I suppose this will be added to the list for discussion with my OB. So many unanswered questions and so much planning and changing of plans to make sure that my health does not put me back in the hospital. My biggest fear is how that would affect our youngest. He has never been away from me and I think it would be too much for him. Oh wow, too much worry!

So finally I just got quiet after the kids went down for naps. I am now reflecting on some verses.

• Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6 & 7 NLT
• The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18 NLT
• We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  2 Corinthians 4:8 & 9 NLT

*Disclaimer: this does not say  that things will be perfect or that my mindset is going to be perfect. Just that these verses give me comfort. *

So where am I today:

• I am 7 weeks and 0 days pregnant...
• I am building my list of discussion topics for the doctor tomorrow and trying to be proactive to control the HG...
• I am finishing my Masters thesis and taking life one minute at a time rather than trying to tackle the whole day...small steps...
• I am giving myself permission to be human and have human moments of anxiety so that I don't beat myself up for it later...
• I am resting on the hope that today's sickness is not necessarily an indicator of sickness for the rest of the pregnancy...

The things you forget...(prepare for brutal honesty :))

Got up early again this morning. Not really by choice, our dog decided to bark at the sky and not hush for 15 minutes. For such a little dog she is really loud. By the time she was finished I was wide awake so I just went ahead and got out of bed, better than laying there trying to force myself to go back to sleep.

So the title of my post, I am amazed at what you forget even though it has only been three years since the last time I went through my first trimester. I forgot that what you enjoy eating right now may not be so enjoyable 10 or 15 minutes later. (Mental image: after eating running to the bathroom to wash my mouth out to get rid of the taste to kill the nausea.) I forgot that the extra saliva you have during the pregnancy can be a constant source of disgust and leave you wondering if you are going to be ill. Of course, from what I hear from other HG survivors this is common. There is an unnatural and crazy fear of being physically sick to your stomach. I would rather walk on broken glass than be sick to my stomach.

I forgot how tired you are at this stage in your pregnancy. Seriously I fall asleep at 6 or 7 o'clock every night. No matter how much I sleep I still feel exhausted at about that time, I will make a note for the doctor on Thursday. Maybe she can offer some suggestions. However, since this is pregnancy number four I pretty much can guess what she is going to say.

I totally forgot that my body would ache like I had the flu. Last week I complained to my husband about this thinking it was some other crazy illness springing up. My body aches in the joints, I feel like I am freezing cold and then the next day it is gone. Just another part of pregnancy insanity.

I also forgot how much love you feel for someone you have not even met yet. I have these moments of totally loving the little one, but then the fear sets in and I turn it off. I know that sounds strange, but anyone who has had miscarriages or suffered through HG understands this statement. There is a good amount of self preservation that you learn over time. Loving that little being can turn into something else if things go haywire. Praying is where I am at right now, and trying hard no to freak out and analyze every twinge or ache in my abdomen. I am trying not to run to the bathroom every 15 minutes to make sure I am not spotting. I am trying NOT to let this pregnancy turn me into a totally nut job before I get out of the first trimester.

Last night in bed (before I fell in to what I am loving calling my "pregnancy coma") I started to giggle. We just bought a bigger car. We had two cars that only held our three boys and us up until the first of this month. At the beginning of the month we started "looking" and decided we would wait until the end of the month to actually buy. We were out on one of or looking trips and happened to see the exact vehicle I had researched and fell in love with and it just happened to be a new model that only had 10,000 miles and it just happened to be priced below "Blue Book" value. We sat down with the salesman and he set us up, the paperwork was all done in a day and we went home with the car. At the time I was thinking this is great this will be plenty of room for the kids, little did I know that we would really need the extra room.  Sometimes our plans get altered for a reason!

So with that being said I am not going to panic about our current living situation. I am not going to panic about the HG and worry that things are not going to work out. I am not going to go crazy thinking about all the details. Instead I am going to remember that before I knew I needed a plan, God was making my plan. I am going to remember that even when I feel out of control, there is always someone who knows more about the future than me and I can rest and be still in that knowledge.

So where am I today:

• I am 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant...
• I am dealing with normal nausea (well for pregnancy) and not currently having HG symptoms
• I am putting my heart at rest and letting God lead (cause really at this point, there is nothing else for me to do)
• I am working on my plan for when/if I fall down the HG hole
• I am trying to remember that I am NOT going to be a nut job and panic over everything...please not the word trying
• Lastly I am trying to let other people who love me support me and not take to heart the things other people who are less supportive have said...