I rarely talk about this side of my personality because it just is not my favorite. Like I said in a previous post, I despise drama, and for some reason it seems to be following me lately. I have a tendency when this happens to just totally disconnect from everyone but the kids. Sometimes it just makes it easier to not deal with all the mess and let everyone get settled before venturing back in to the fray again. At this point that would be next to impossible considering I am visiting my parents and I can exactly turn off the phone or Internet etc...
Last night and today were a total nightmare. The nausea./vomiting is getting worse and I was totally out of my Zofran. My husband had overnighted it yesterday but I was out and so I was totally riding those waves one after another all day today. I just wanted to lay down and not think. Lights, the computer, noises, whatever, it all made me ill and so I was trying to just lay down and not think about the nausea. I curled up on the couch with a blanket and pillow and a cool cloth for my head and neck. My kids were back in the room watching their movies and things were pretty quiet until my Dad got back from his morning chores.
He walked in and the first words were..."Do you need to go to a doctor?" Of course my reply was no, there really isn't anything a doctor here can do. I really need to be at home with my doctors and be able to have my medication adjusted as needed. Then there was my mother, "you know if you eat some crackers, or if you eat more vegetables, or if you do xyz...you will feel better." I wish that those things worked, oh how I really really wish that these things would work, and yet they just do not work. Once I got to where I could sit up and make adequate decisions I called my husband and said that we should change the return day to the 29th of July rather than the 19th of August. Just saying it made me want to cry and yet I know it is the best thing to do for both me and the kids. I feel like if I wait much longer the drive will become pure hell and we will end up making more stops to accommodate the hyperemesis. Then there is the whole what if I get so dehydrated that I need intervention. Too many unknowns and variables that are outside my control.
Then this time there has been more drama. Normally I can let it fly right off my back and just ignore the whole situation. This time it has really worn me down. It seems like every time I turn around someone disagrees with something in my parenting. Sometimes it feels like no matter how old I am or how many degrees I have I will always be an idiot to certain people. Total frustration with that attitude. Then there is the whole issue where I get questioned about the extent of my sickness and why can't I just brush it off and go and do whatever it is other people want me to go and do. So then I blame myself for not being able to do the things that others want and feel like maybe this is my fault. Maybe it is all in my head or maybe I am just exaggerating. Maybe if I just go out and do all the things other pregnant people do I would feel better. Maybe it is just in my head, maybe the reality is that I am just sensitive to nausea and vomiting from my previous experiences and so I am over reacting. Maybe...
I will have to tell my parents that I am leaving earlier. I do not really want to tell them they are going to be so disappointed. I am disappointed, the kids are going to be so sad. Once again I am the ruiner of plans and fun.
Just one of those really down days.
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