Monday Stinks...

Today was one of those days you wish you could just stay in bed and never get up. The nausea was a nightmare and I ended up taking my Zofran with me where ever I went. Have I ever mentioned that I really, really, really dislike being nauseated.

Today has also been a nightmare for the up and down moods. I hate not being patient. My oldest son has started moving into that "I know it all Mom" phase and it drives me BANANAS! I have been able to diffuse it pretty quickly but today not so much. I lost my temper and really felt bad after. Later we had a long talk about being respectful and the best way to talk to your Mom, but it was still after losing my temper. Well there you have it world, I am human! Send it to the papers!

Later we went to dinner and it was another test of my ability to function without losing my temper. Why is it when you are struggling with this crazy up and down temper the people around you act ridiculous? There always seems to be some little comment where I want scream, luckily there was plenty to distract so I was able to avoid any ugliness.

I am looking forward to the next two days. I am creeping up on 12 weeks and then the next week starts the second trimester. I am hoping everyday that it will be much better than the first even though it hasn't been too horrible. Anyway, that is about the extend of my Monday.

Two more days till 12 weeks.

Ready to Disconnect...

I rarely talk about this side of my personality because it just is not my favorite. Like I said in a previous post, I despise drama, and for some reason it seems to be following me lately. I have a tendency when this happens to just totally disconnect from everyone but the kids. Sometimes it just makes it easier to not deal with all the mess and let everyone get settled before venturing back in to the fray again. At this point that would be next to impossible considering I am visiting my parents and I can exactly turn off the phone or Internet etc...

Last night and today were a total nightmare. The nausea./vomiting is getting worse and I was totally out of my Zofran. My husband had overnighted it yesterday but I was out and so I was totally riding those waves one after another all day today. I just wanted to lay down and not think. Lights, the computer, noises, whatever, it all made me ill and so I was trying to just lay down and not think about the nausea. I curled up on the couch with a blanket and pillow and a cool cloth for my head and neck. My kids were back in the room watching their movies and things were pretty quiet until my Dad got back from his morning chores.

He walked in and the first words were..."Do you need to go to a doctor?" Of course my reply was no, there really isn't anything a doctor here can do. I really need to be at home with my doctors and be able to have my medication adjusted as needed. Then there was my mother, "you know if you eat some crackers, or if you eat more vegetables, or if you do xyz...you will feel better." I wish that those things worked, oh how I really really wish that these things would work, and yet they just do not work. Once I got to where I could sit up and make adequate decisions I called my husband and said that we should change the return day to the 29th of July rather than the 19th of August. Just saying it made me want to cry and yet I know it is the best thing to do for both me and the kids. I feel like if I wait much longer the drive will become pure hell and we will end up making more stops to accommodate the hyperemesis. Then there is the whole what if I get so dehydrated that I need intervention. Too many unknowns and variables that are outside my control.

Then this time there has been more drama. Normally I can let it fly right off my back and just ignore the whole situation. This time it has really worn me down. It seems like every time I turn around someone disagrees with something in my parenting. Sometimes it feels like no matter how old I am or how many degrees I have I will always be an idiot to certain people. Total frustration with that attitude. Then there is the whole issue where I get questioned about the extent of my sickness and why can't I just brush it off and go and do whatever it is other people want me to go and do. So then I blame myself for not being able to do the things that others want and feel like maybe this is my fault. Maybe it is all in my head or maybe I am just exaggerating. Maybe if I just go out and do all the things other pregnant people do I would feel better. Maybe it is just in my head, maybe the reality is that I am just sensitive to nausea and vomiting from my previous experiences and so I am over reacting. Maybe...

I will have to tell my parents that I am leaving earlier. I do not really want to tell them they are going to be so disappointed. I am disappointed, the kids are going to be so sad. Once again I am the ruiner of plans and fun.

Just one of those really down days.

My Second HG Pregnancy

Since I have been up all night and I just decided to get up early and get a few things finished. First up, adding to my blog.

After we moved to Texas I started back to school to finish my degree. I had only been in school a couple terms when I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I was excited but nervous at the same time. I was mindful of all the complications the first time around and I was concerned how this would affect my oldest son, school, and life in general.

Pregnancy started out very well. I was mainly tired but didn't feel much different. We lived in this tiny condominium and so that became a concern right away. We knew that we would need a bigger place and that there would be other expenses coming too. I saw the doctor right away letting him know the issues I had the first pregnancy. He didn't put me on any medications right away and in fact did not even use the term "hyperemesis" even though I referred to it several times. I was doing well until around the 10th or 12th week, then the nausea and vomiting began hitting me hard.

I was so ill that I would turn the television on and just let my little one watch as much as he wanted. I would lay on the couch and pray that it would go away. I was so miserable. I was also potty training him, he was two at the time and it was a challenge, he did not like the big potty so we had to use the small one on the floor. This presented problems for my nausea issues. I can remember him telling my husband at night "Mommy coughed all day in the bathroom." I am allergic to Phenergan, so this made prescribing any medication difficult. I would get up at night and go to school. I can remember one class in particular that I would get really sick as soon as I walked into the room. This was a larger class and possibly it was the combination of smells that got to me. I still to this day see the professor and feel ill. So sorry to say that, but he doesn't really know.

I didn't want to call the doctor and make additional appointments. At the time my husband was working where he was not really allowed to take any time off and so any time at the doctor or if I had to go to the ER for any reason became a serious issue. We also had a very small income and this made having any type of childcare for my 2 year old impossible. I felt alone and sad. I was away from my family and now this was making it really difficult for me to  cope. I heard things from other people like, "gee, you are so dramatic about this morning sickness thing..." or "can't you just eat some crackers and get over it." I started blaming myself for being so sick which only compounded my stress. Around 13 or 14 weeks I was in the kitchen cooking lunch for my baby and passed out from dehydration and lack of nutrition. I had the biggest knot on my head and felt dizzy when I sat up. I woke up to the sound of my baby screaming and I was dazed so it took me a few minutes to realize I was on the floor and he was upset.

I called my husband he took me to the ER, I was admitted immediately. I was put on IV fluids and given Zofran through my IVs. My doctor decided this was a blood sugar issue and if I ate more protein and snacked on sugary foods this would "cure" the bouts of sickness. I didn't care at that point. I felt so much better getting the IV and Zofran that they could have told me I needed to drink mud smoothies and I wouldn't have cared. I stayed in the hospital for a short time and asked to be released early. The doctor was not happy about it, but we had no alternative child care and no way to afford it, my husband HAD to get back to work. This was not something that was even an option. There were some dynamics there that I still don't like to talk about simply because it was so painful at the time. Again I blamed myself for being sick.

The nausea and vomiting ended at around my sixth month. I then had other issues like pre-term contractions which resulted in another hospital stay and more drama. Then I had high blood pressure and protein in my urine  in my final months. I was finally induced on my birthday and my second son, Liam was born. He was the same weight and length as my first baby. He was a sweet little boy and I adored him immediately. After the easy birth I thought I might like to have one more child and told my husband someday we would need to have maybe one more baby.

My second HG baby - Liam

Where is Dr. Phil when you need him?

Yesterday pretty much sucked...and I hate using that word but it is the best way to describe the mess.

First there was the not so enjoyable phone call with my doctor. I have been having insane dizzy spells and some crazy leg swelling that is pretty abnormal for only being 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I was hoping they would say it was the progesterone supplement and tell me I could stop taking it. Due to the "postal" feeling I have while I am on this crazy stuff I would love to stop the medicine. Nope not at all what they told me when they called. I will spare you the details of the conversation but I was told the following things: come home if possible, either way you must have 75% of your time OFF your feet, more rest, no direct sunlight, no heat, do not get over heated, really watch what you eat (um not a problem), no stress. All this under the overarching impression that if I do not follow this directive I will be in a serious physical condition.

So what happens as soon as you hear the words "no stress"? Well if you are me then life dumps a huge heaping pile of stress right on your plate and forces you to eat it. I hate drama, I hate drama with certain people in my life more than others. I just want to have a nice visit with my parents without drama. Why is this never a possibility? I just want to have a nice visit where I don't feel like tearing my hair out! Sometimes with certain people I feel like I am a living episode of Dr. Phil, and I hate that the relationships are ever this complicated.

Well off to try and put out the drama fires...crossing my fingers, legs, and toes that it does not turn into something that makes the visit more difficult.