I rarely talk about this side of my personality because it just is not my favorite. Like I said in a previous post, I despise drama, and for some reason it seems to be following me lately. I have a tendency when this happens to just totally disconnect from everyone but the kids. Sometimes it just makes it easier to not deal with all the mess and let everyone get settled before venturing back in to the fray again. At this point that would be next to impossible considering I am visiting my parents and I can exactly turn off the phone or Internet etc...
Last night and today were a total nightmare. The nausea./vomiting is getting worse and I was totally out of my Zofran. My husband had overnighted it yesterday but I was out and so I was totally riding those waves one after another all day today. I just wanted to lay down and not think. Lights, the computer, noises, whatever, it all made me ill and so I was trying to just lay down and not think about the nausea. I curled up on the couch with a blanket and pillow and a cool cloth for my head and neck. My kids were back in the room watching their movies and things were pretty quiet until my Dad got back from his morning chores.
He walked in and the first words were..."Do you need to go to a doctor?" Of course my reply was no, there really isn't anything a doctor here can do. I really need to be at home with my doctors and be able to have my medication adjusted as needed. Then there was my mother, "you know if you eat some crackers, or if you eat more vegetables, or if you do xyz...you will feel better." I wish that those things worked, oh how I really really wish that these things would work, and yet they just do not work. Once I got to where I could sit up and make adequate decisions I called my husband and said that we should change the return day to the 29th of July rather than the 19th of August. Just saying it made me want to cry and yet I know it is the best thing to do for both me and the kids. I feel like if I wait much longer the drive will become pure hell and we will end up making more stops to accommodate the hyperemesis. Then there is the whole what if I get so dehydrated that I need intervention. Too many unknowns and variables that are outside my control.
Then this time there has been more drama. Normally I can let it fly right off my back and just ignore the whole situation. This time it has really worn me down. It seems like every time I turn around someone disagrees with something in my parenting. Sometimes it feels like no matter how old I am or how many degrees I have I will always be an idiot to certain people. Total frustration with that attitude. Then there is the whole issue where I get questioned about the extent of my sickness and why can't I just brush it off and go and do whatever it is other people want me to go and do. So then I blame myself for not being able to do the things that others want and feel like maybe this is my fault. Maybe it is all in my head or maybe I am just exaggerating. Maybe if I just go out and do all the things other pregnant people do I would feel better. Maybe it is just in my head, maybe the reality is that I am just sensitive to nausea and vomiting from my previous experiences and so I am over reacting. Maybe...
I will have to tell my parents that I am leaving earlier. I do not really want to tell them they are going to be so disappointed. I am disappointed, the kids are going to be so sad. Once again I am the ruiner of plans and fun.
Just one of those really down days.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The honeymoon is over... 9 wks 1 day
Sadly, the wonderful honeymoon stage of the pregnancy has ended. The nausea and vomiting is now breaking through the medicine. I guess I will be going home early :(. Nothing good to say so I will say nothing else. Sad.
My new best friend! I drink this at night and it helps with the reflux.
My new best friend! I drink this at night and it helps with the reflux.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Here comes the train, wish I could get off the tracks... 9 Weeks
Well it finally really hit the nausea and vomiting. So far it only seems to be at certain times a day but it is finally hitting and it is nasty. I would really love to say I am wrong but after three other pregnancies I have a feeling this is the slide. So far it is really bad in the evenings. I had the worst of it last night. I had to wait an hour and a half to go to bed. Every time I tried to lay down it was immediate nausea.
I was beginning to hope I would have a normal pregnancy.
So today I am switching diets to the easier to handle mostly liquid and small meals. I am trying to incorporate as many high energy foods as possible to help with the tiredness. We will see if this helps. I think the hubby has decided it is time for me to return home sooner rather than later. He really worries and wants me to come home so that I am close to the doctor.
I am really taking it very easy here, I do cook dinners at night. This is a challenge considering smells tend to set me off but it is not to terrible. I don't think I will be able to continue my visit much longer which makes me very sad. I will not get to come back home until after the baby comes and that will be March or later.
Hubby has also decided I should not attempt homeschooling this year. I really want to do the homeschool option with the way schools are turning into the clearing house for budgeting in government. Our district is extending school days and then making class sizes larger to consolidate the payroll. As a teacher this rubs me all kinds of wrong. This goes against all the research and evidence of how classrooms should look for optimal student performance.
Maybe if I get home and spend less time getting sick he will still let me do homeschooling. I highly doubt it because he has that determined edge in his voice but we will see if I can convince him to change his mind.
Where am I today...
I was beginning to hope I would have a normal pregnancy.
So today I am switching diets to the easier to handle mostly liquid and small meals. I am trying to incorporate as many high energy foods as possible to help with the tiredness. We will see if this helps. I think the hubby has decided it is time for me to return home sooner rather than later. He really worries and wants me to come home so that I am close to the doctor.
I am really taking it very easy here, I do cook dinners at night. This is a challenge considering smells tend to set me off but it is not to terrible. I don't think I will be able to continue my visit much longer which makes me very sad. I will not get to come back home until after the baby comes and that will be March or later.
Hubby has also decided I should not attempt homeschooling this year. I really want to do the homeschool option with the way schools are turning into the clearing house for budgeting in government. Our district is extending school days and then making class sizes larger to consolidate the payroll. As a teacher this rubs me all kinds of wrong. This goes against all the research and evidence of how classrooms should look for optimal student performance.
Maybe if I get home and spend less time getting sick he will still let me do homeschooling. I highly doubt it because he has that determined edge in his voice but we will see if I can convince him to change his mind.
Where am I today...
- 9 weeks and 0 days pregnant
- I am having much more frequent nausea and vomiting and hating it
- My worst nausea seems to occur at night time right before bed
- I have many decisions to make to try and get ready for the next few months
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Where is Dr. Phil when you need him?
Yesterday pretty much sucked...and I hate using that word but it is the best way to describe the mess.
First there was the not so enjoyable phone call with my doctor. I have been having insane dizzy spells and some crazy leg swelling that is pretty abnormal for only being 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I was hoping they would say it was the progesterone supplement and tell me I could stop taking it. Due to the "postal" feeling I have while I am on this crazy stuff I would love to stop the medicine. Nope not at all what they told me when they called. I will spare you the details of the conversation but I was told the following things: come home if possible, either way you must have 75% of your time OFF your feet, more rest, no direct sunlight, no heat, do not get over heated, really watch what you eat (um not a problem), no stress. All this under the overarching impression that if I do not follow this directive I will be in a serious physical condition.
So what happens as soon as you hear the words "no stress"? Well if you are me then life dumps a huge heaping pile of stress right on your plate and forces you to eat it. I hate drama, I hate drama with certain people in my life more than others. I just want to have a nice visit with my parents without drama. Why is this never a possibility? I just want to have a nice visit where I don't feel like tearing my hair out! Sometimes with certain people I feel like I am a living episode of Dr. Phil, and I hate that the relationships are ever this complicated.
Well off to try and put out the drama fires...crossing my fingers, legs, and toes that it does not turn into something that makes the visit more difficult.
First there was the not so enjoyable phone call with my doctor. I have been having insane dizzy spells and some crazy leg swelling that is pretty abnormal for only being 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I was hoping they would say it was the progesterone supplement and tell me I could stop taking it. Due to the "postal" feeling I have while I am on this crazy stuff I would love to stop the medicine. Nope not at all what they told me when they called. I will spare you the details of the conversation but I was told the following things: come home if possible, either way you must have 75% of your time OFF your feet, more rest, no direct sunlight, no heat, do not get over heated, really watch what you eat (um not a problem), no stress. All this under the overarching impression that if I do not follow this directive I will be in a serious physical condition.
So what happens as soon as you hear the words "no stress"? Well if you are me then life dumps a huge heaping pile of stress right on your plate and forces you to eat it. I hate drama, I hate drama with certain people in my life more than others. I just want to have a nice visit with my parents without drama. Why is this never a possibility? I just want to have a nice visit where I don't feel like tearing my hair out! Sometimes with certain people I feel like I am a living episode of Dr. Phil, and I hate that the relationships are ever this complicated.
Well off to try and put out the drama fires...crossing my fingers, legs, and toes that it does not turn into something that makes the visit more difficult.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Lock, Stock and Barrel
Took my husband to the airport so he could fly back to Texas and go back to work tomorrow. The older kids cried last night and my youngest cried when we dropped him off this morning. I was feeling pretty sad myself and missing him but couldn't let it out since I had an upset baby already. I had five hours in the car round trip which by the time I got back to the house I was so ready to stretch out and ease the cramps in my hips and legs.
Pull up and have that moment of dread, my parents have gone to church and the darn door was locked. I spent five hours outside with the children. NIGHTMARE! So darn hot and so darn humid today, plus we both had on our pajamas so we could not really go anywhere else and just hang out or walk around. Total mood killer as if it wasn't bad enough.
So about 1 1/2 hours into the five I decided we would go for a drive. My hometown is one of the towns that was hit by the tornado in April this year. I had not been to the business district or out to where my friends "live/lived" and had avoided it because I knew it would be profoundly emotional. So of course the first place I turn (what an idiot I was already semi-depressed) I drive right out to have a look since we had to take a drive. You don't really notice much until you get right into the middle of it and then there it is total wipe out of homes and businesses. I drove down the street I went down every day going to middle and high school and all those houses were totally gone. I hit the schools next. My heart was burning by then, there it was all the lovely trees that had been there for generations were gone, the schools were torn to bits and since they are trying to open up in September the parking lots were full of construction equipment and supplies. Really if you didn't know it would mostly look like the area was under development with some older homes getting repairs. There were places where the grass had been ripped out, seriously crazy to think of how powerful that EF-4 was that tore through here, and my hurt hurt all over again.
Drove until I was almost out of gas and then stopped to fill up and drove back to the house to wait and wait and wait. They finally pulled up and I was so happy to get back inside. Did I mention that I didn't take any of my meds this morning because we left so early. Yep, you guessed it, totally sick outside. My feet were so swollen today too. I suppose I will have to call the OB's office tomorrow and find out what they think will be going on with my legs and feet swelling and cramping and my dizzy spells. I am hoping maybe it is just the hormones and not any other issues but I can pretty much predict what they will say.
So that was my day, how was yours? Still 8 weeks and 4 days and counting down to the big arrival. I will try to post my second pregnancy story soon. Hopefully this week.
Tornado relief is still ongoing, if you wish to contribute to my amazing hometown here is an organization working to help those who lost homes and businesses.
Pull up and have that moment of dread, my parents have gone to church and the darn door was locked. I spent five hours outside with the children. NIGHTMARE! So darn hot and so darn humid today, plus we both had on our pajamas so we could not really go anywhere else and just hang out or walk around. Total mood killer as if it wasn't bad enough.
So about 1 1/2 hours into the five I decided we would go for a drive. My hometown is one of the towns that was hit by the tornado in April this year. I had not been to the business district or out to where my friends "live/lived" and had avoided it because I knew it would be profoundly emotional. So of course the first place I turn (what an idiot I was already semi-depressed) I drive right out to have a look since we had to take a drive. You don't really notice much until you get right into the middle of it and then there it is total wipe out of homes and businesses. I drove down the street I went down every day going to middle and high school and all those houses were totally gone. I hit the schools next. My heart was burning by then, there it was all the lovely trees that had been there for generations were gone, the schools were torn to bits and since they are trying to open up in September the parking lots were full of construction equipment and supplies. Really if you didn't know it would mostly look like the area was under development with some older homes getting repairs. There were places where the grass had been ripped out, seriously crazy to think of how powerful that EF-4 was that tore through here, and my hurt hurt all over again.
Drove until I was almost out of gas and then stopped to fill up and drove back to the house to wait and wait and wait. They finally pulled up and I was so happy to get back inside. Did I mention that I didn't take any of my meds this morning because we left so early. Yep, you guessed it, totally sick outside. My feet were so swollen today too. I suppose I will have to call the OB's office tomorrow and find out what they think will be going on with my legs and feet swelling and cramping and my dizzy spells. I am hoping maybe it is just the hormones and not any other issues but I can pretty much predict what they will say.
So that was my day, how was yours? Still 8 weeks and 4 days and counting down to the big arrival. I will try to post my second pregnancy story soon. Hopefully this week.
Tornado relief is still ongoing, if you wish to contribute to my amazing hometown here is an organization working to help those who lost homes and businesses.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Sigh and Cry Day... 8 weeks and 4 days
Today has just been one of those nightmare kind of days.
The "progesterone" supplement is really starting to wear on me and the side effects are crazy. Insane mood swings, cramping in my legs, bathroom issues. Pregnancy hormones are insane on their own adding a supplement is like asking me to go postal. I am trying to keep my emotions in check and under control but find myself snapping more often and I hate myself later. I have snapped at my children and my husband and I despise that kind of behavior for myself and it is one thing I try never to do and always to try and keep my answers more or less rational.
I had my first "sick" day today. Just nauseated and ill most of the day. I really really hate being sick. Then there is the fact that we are staying with my parents. My mother does not like or allow for sickness in any form. When I told her I didn't want to go and sit in a restaurant tonight she was very unhappy. She was unhappy once again when I said that I did not want to go on a walk. I have walked the last two days as we visited two touristy spots and that on top of vomiting makes for an unpleasant combination. She gave me the standard response you get from most people, "if you get up and move around you will feel better." Seriously, no I won't the more exhausted I am the worse I feel. Exhaustion and nausea do NOT do either any favors.
My husband is leaving us here for five weeks and going back to work. I hate to think of him leaving, he is my support and understands when I am not feeling well. He also gives me a childcare break when he is home from work. The kids are upset he is leaving and are crying cause they will miss him, which is stressful and sad trying to get them to settle down and just enjoy our visit.
Now I am trying to decide if I should shorten my trip by at least three weeks and head home. I do not want to be here and away from my physician should something happen. I already feel out of control on my hormones and the down time I have thanks to my husband gives me an opportunity to regroup. I will be the 24/7 parent for the next five weeks. I am also working to finish my thesis proposal and my last class for my Masters degree. Will I ever be able to do this while being the 24/7 parent and dealing with the nausea and vomiting?
I have no idea, I am sure everything will be fine. Not really sure but kind of sure.
Where am I today...
I am 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant...
I am on hormones that are making me into a crazy person...
I had my first sick day and hated it...
My husband is going back home for five weeks and I am worried about caring for the kids...
I am working on my thesis and worried I will not be able to everything in on time...
I am exhausted all the time!
The "progesterone" supplement is really starting to wear on me and the side effects are crazy. Insane mood swings, cramping in my legs, bathroom issues. Pregnancy hormones are insane on their own adding a supplement is like asking me to go postal. I am trying to keep my emotions in check and under control but find myself snapping more often and I hate myself later. I have snapped at my children and my husband and I despise that kind of behavior for myself and it is one thing I try never to do and always to try and keep my answers more or less rational.
I had my first "sick" day today. Just nauseated and ill most of the day. I really really hate being sick. Then there is the fact that we are staying with my parents. My mother does not like or allow for sickness in any form. When I told her I didn't want to go and sit in a restaurant tonight she was very unhappy. She was unhappy once again when I said that I did not want to go on a walk. I have walked the last two days as we visited two touristy spots and that on top of vomiting makes for an unpleasant combination. She gave me the standard response you get from most people, "if you get up and move around you will feel better." Seriously, no I won't the more exhausted I am the worse I feel. Exhaustion and nausea do NOT do either any favors.
My husband is leaving us here for five weeks and going back to work. I hate to think of him leaving, he is my support and understands when I am not feeling well. He also gives me a childcare break when he is home from work. The kids are upset he is leaving and are crying cause they will miss him, which is stressful and sad trying to get them to settle down and just enjoy our visit.
Now I am trying to decide if I should shorten my trip by at least three weeks and head home. I do not want to be here and away from my physician should something happen. I already feel out of control on my hormones and the down time I have thanks to my husband gives me an opportunity to regroup. I will be the 24/7 parent for the next five weeks. I am also working to finish my thesis proposal and my last class for my Masters degree. Will I ever be able to do this while being the 24/7 parent and dealing with the nausea and vomiting?
I have no idea, I am sure everything will be fine. Not really sure but kind of sure.
Where am I today...
I am 8 weeks and 4 days pregnant...
I am on hormones that are making me into a crazy person...
I had my first sick day and hated it...
My husband is going back home for five weeks and I am worried about caring for the kids...
I am working on my thesis and worried I will not be able to everything in on time...
I am exhausted all the time!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Not My Best Day...7 Weeks 0 Days :)
Today was a tough one, and sadly I fear that I am going to see more of them. I really hope that I don't!
This morning I woke up to find that things were left a mess last night and by mess I mean a stinky smelly nightmare. The kitchen needed cleaning and I debated, clean it or have to deal with all the residual smells from the undone dishes for the day. I decided it would just be best to clean it, other wise I knew I wouldn't even go in there for food the rest of the day. So clean it was the final decision. I immediately realized this was not a good decision, get up close with that drama was my undoing. I won't give the dirty details but I will say only one side of the sink contained dishes, no other explanation necessary. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the sink, took the trash to the door, cleaned the floor by the door after dealing with the trash :( and then went to sit on the couch and try to regain some sanity.
I had a panic attack once I got to the living room and just curled up on the couch. I don't know if it was the residual memories from other pregnancies, getting sick this morning, frustration with the events...but it set off a crazy reaction in my brain. This last a good twenty minutes or so, luckily the kids slept late so I could get back in control before they saw me. I hate getting sick, I hate getting sick when I am pregnant, and I fear it like people fear heights or snakes.
The rest of the day was spent doing school work and reflecting trying to get a handle on my issues. My first OB appointment is tomorrow. I have a LONG list of things to talk to them about and get started with so that treatment is more proactive rather than reactive. I refuse to get into this pregnancy and be on the phone begging for help, I want a plan in place before I hit that kind of desperation.
The other thing I was thinking about today was the amount of time I had planned to spend in Georgia. My fear is that things will ramp up while I am there and I will have little or no recourse being away from my doctor and the antepartum unit of our hospital. I really want to stay for a good long visit. My parents really want us to stay for a long visit, I just do not know if I will be able to physically stay that long. There are so many "what ifs" that it seems like it is not wise to stay for too long and tempt the HG fate. I suppose this will be added to the list for discussion with my OB. So many unanswered questions and so much planning and changing of plans to make sure that my health does not put me back in the hospital. My biggest fear is how that would affect our youngest. He has never been away from me and I think it would be too much for him. Oh wow, too much worry!
So finally I just got quiet after the kids went down for naps. I am now reflecting on some verses.
So where am I today:
This morning I woke up to find that things were left a mess last night and by mess I mean a stinky smelly nightmare. The kitchen needed cleaning and I debated, clean it or have to deal with all the residual smells from the undone dishes for the day. I decided it would just be best to clean it, other wise I knew I wouldn't even go in there for food the rest of the day. So clean it was the final decision. I immediately realized this was not a good decision, get up close with that drama was my undoing. I won't give the dirty details but I will say only one side of the sink contained dishes, no other explanation necessary. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the sink, took the trash to the door, cleaned the floor by the door after dealing with the trash :( and then went to sit on the couch and try to regain some sanity.
I had a panic attack once I got to the living room and just curled up on the couch. I don't know if it was the residual memories from other pregnancies, getting sick this morning, frustration with the events...but it set off a crazy reaction in my brain. This last a good twenty minutes or so, luckily the kids slept late so I could get back in control before they saw me. I hate getting sick, I hate getting sick when I am pregnant, and I fear it like people fear heights or snakes.
The rest of the day was spent doing school work and reflecting trying to get a handle on my issues. My first OB appointment is tomorrow. I have a LONG list of things to talk to them about and get started with so that treatment is more proactive rather than reactive. I refuse to get into this pregnancy and be on the phone begging for help, I want a plan in place before I hit that kind of desperation.
The other thing I was thinking about today was the amount of time I had planned to spend in Georgia. My fear is that things will ramp up while I am there and I will have little or no recourse being away from my doctor and the antepartum unit of our hospital. I really want to stay for a good long visit. My parents really want us to stay for a long visit, I just do not know if I will be able to physically stay that long. There are so many "what ifs" that it seems like it is not wise to stay for too long and tempt the HG fate. I suppose this will be added to the list for discussion with my OB. So many unanswered questions and so much planning and changing of plans to make sure that my health does not put me back in the hospital. My biggest fear is how that would affect our youngest. He has never been away from me and I think it would be too much for him. Oh wow, too much worry!
So finally I just got quiet after the kids went down for naps. I am now reflecting on some verses.
- Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6 & 7 NLT
- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18 NLT
- We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8 & 9 NLT
So where am I today:
- I am 7 weeks and 0 days pregnant...
- I am building my list of discussion topics for the doctor tomorrow and trying to be proactive to control the HG...
- I am finishing my Masters thesis and taking life one minute at a time rather than trying to tackle the whole day...small steps...
- I am giving myself permission to be human and have human moments of anxiety so that I don't beat myself up for it later...
- I am resting on the hope that today's sickness is not necessarily an indicator of sickness for the rest of the pregnancy...
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