Today was a tough one, and sadly I fear that I am going to see more of them. I really hope that I don't!
This morning I woke up to find that things were left a mess last night and by mess I mean a stinky smelly nightmare. The kitchen needed cleaning and I debated, clean it or have to deal with all the residual smells from the undone dishes for the day. I decided it would just be best to clean it, other wise I knew I wouldn't even go in there for food the rest of the day. So clean it was the final decision. I immediately realized this was not a good decision, get up close with that drama was my undoing. I won't give the dirty details but I will say only one side of the sink contained dishes, no other explanation necessary. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the sink, took the trash to the door, cleaned the floor by the door after dealing with the trash :( and then went to sit on the couch and try to regain some sanity.
I had a panic attack once I got to the living room and just curled up on the couch. I don't know if it was the residual memories from other pregnancies, getting sick this morning, frustration with the events...but it set off a crazy reaction in my brain. This last a good twenty minutes or so, luckily the kids slept late so I could get back in control before they saw me. I hate getting sick, I hate getting sick when I am pregnant, and I fear it like people fear heights or snakes.
The rest of the day was spent doing school work and reflecting trying to get a handle on my issues. My first OB appointment is tomorrow. I have a LONG list of things to talk to them about and get started with so that treatment is more proactive rather than reactive. I refuse to get into this pregnancy and be on the phone begging for help, I want a plan in place before I hit that kind of desperation.
The other thing I was thinking about today was the amount of time I had planned to spend in Georgia. My fear is that things will ramp up while I am there and I will have little or no recourse being away from my doctor and the antepartum unit of our hospital. I really want to stay for a good long visit. My parents really want us to stay for a long visit, I just do not know if I will be able to physically stay that long. There are so many "what ifs" that it seems like it is not wise to stay for too long and tempt the HG fate. I suppose this will be added to the list for discussion with my OB. So many unanswered questions and so much planning and changing of plans to make sure that my health does not put me back in the hospital. My biggest fear is how that would affect our youngest. He has never been away from me and I think it would be too much for him. Oh wow, too much worry!
So finally I just got quiet after the kids went down for naps. I am now reflecting on some verses.
So where am I today:
This morning I woke up to find that things were left a mess last night and by mess I mean a stinky smelly nightmare. The kitchen needed cleaning and I debated, clean it or have to deal with all the residual smells from the undone dishes for the day. I decided it would just be best to clean it, other wise I knew I wouldn't even go in there for food the rest of the day. So clean it was the final decision. I immediately realized this was not a good decision, get up close with that drama was my undoing. I won't give the dirty details but I will say only one side of the sink contained dishes, no other explanation necessary. Cleaned the kitchen, cleaned the sink, took the trash to the door, cleaned the floor by the door after dealing with the trash :( and then went to sit on the couch and try to regain some sanity.
I had a panic attack once I got to the living room and just curled up on the couch. I don't know if it was the residual memories from other pregnancies, getting sick this morning, frustration with the events...but it set off a crazy reaction in my brain. This last a good twenty minutes or so, luckily the kids slept late so I could get back in control before they saw me. I hate getting sick, I hate getting sick when I am pregnant, and I fear it like people fear heights or snakes.
The rest of the day was spent doing school work and reflecting trying to get a handle on my issues. My first OB appointment is tomorrow. I have a LONG list of things to talk to them about and get started with so that treatment is more proactive rather than reactive. I refuse to get into this pregnancy and be on the phone begging for help, I want a plan in place before I hit that kind of desperation.
The other thing I was thinking about today was the amount of time I had planned to spend in Georgia. My fear is that things will ramp up while I am there and I will have little or no recourse being away from my doctor and the antepartum unit of our hospital. I really want to stay for a good long visit. My parents really want us to stay for a long visit, I just do not know if I will be able to physically stay that long. There are so many "what ifs" that it seems like it is not wise to stay for too long and tempt the HG fate. I suppose this will be added to the list for discussion with my OB. So many unanswered questions and so much planning and changing of plans to make sure that my health does not put me back in the hospital. My biggest fear is how that would affect our youngest. He has never been away from me and I think it would be too much for him. Oh wow, too much worry!
So finally I just got quiet after the kids went down for naps. I am now reflecting on some verses.
- Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6 & 7 NLT
- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18 NLT
- We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8 & 9 NLT
So where am I today:
- I am 7 weeks and 0 days pregnant...
- I am building my list of discussion topics for the doctor tomorrow and trying to be proactive to control the HG...
- I am finishing my Masters thesis and taking life one minute at a time rather than trying to tackle the whole day...small steps...
- I am giving myself permission to be human and have human moments of anxiety so that I don't beat myself up for it later...
- I am resting on the hope that today's sickness is not necessarily an indicator of sickness for the rest of the pregnancy...
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